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For Jane — whom I’ve known since the Sixties when we studied together at the Actors Studio in New York — it was not an auspicious start.

And although Jane loved Vadim dearly, he would soon propel her into the kind of wanton lifestyle that was unusual even in the free-wheeling Sixties.

We were able to experience, and imagine, what divorce and a two-home family would be like. Everyone would be okay no matter what direction we ultimately took. I would have married my ex-boyfriend if I knew then what I know now. Well, my “the One” certainly wouldn’t have spent 4 years screwing hookers. And, in truth, I see him for who he is TODAY and I don’t want to lose that man. I think I am at a place where I do believe a marriage can survive. I do believe there is life, together, beyond D-day and that the two people can even grow stronger, more real, than before. That you accept a life of peace and contentment, but not happiness.

I saw that I didn’t have to stay for any fear, but I did see what life would be like if we really did divorce. I don’t want someone else to enjoy a life with this recovered/recovering, stable, matured version of him. But its like being between a rock and a hard place.

When she returned, she confessed she’d gone there to be with an old lover in order to test if she really loved Vadim.

He confessed “everything” after I caught him trying to send a photo of his penis to some stranger via email. At worst, I concluded that my initial reaction of calm and of, say, not throwing him out of the house and immediately filing for divorce was a sign of hope, of being able to overcome this, of my love for him, of commitment, etc. My husband did take responsibility and showed great willingness to recover.

I saw the big picture, and it was complicated, sobering. At first, the relief of reconciling was wonderful and I thought that the separation was really the last ingredient of moving past all this, and being happy again. And he’s a better man, father, and spouse for all that we have struggled together. Its either accepting this sadness and moving forward with what is otherwise good, or going through the pain, complication, and destruction of a divorce, a two-home co-parenting relationship, of introducing (eventually) new people, new family systems, into this increasingly complicated situation, a greater financial burden…

Its been two months and I’m back to trying to wrap my head around this marriage. The man he is today is a kind, loving, generous, sweet, intelligent, successful man. And he is the father of my children, and a good father. We don’t have to sell the house, our home remains intact. On the other hand, I see the marriages of my friends and family members and, while they are not perfect and while I know that I can never really know what goes on in other marriages, there is a sort of… You know that feeling like, if you could do it all over again, of course you’d marry him? That you just accept him for all he is, and he accepts you, and that is what love is?

Uncertain of her identity and racked with insecurity, Jane said nothing.

If she objected, she feared she might lose him — and the thought of life without her gentle and charismatic lover filled her with terror.

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Who was in their bed and who wasn’t, everyone wanted to know.

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